Saturday, Aug. 21, 2004
What the hell is going on here?
Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no. No.
This cannot be right!! How can it be??
He has a diaryland. That's right, it's the return of him. Even though, most of you with more than a teaspoon full of wit can figure out who he is (that is, if you know me in real life).
Why can't things be easy?
I mean, I should be able to get over this! I really should! The boy kisses me over a year ago, and I still can't look him in the eye or be in the same room as him without things being awkward. Shit. It's not as though I have feelings for him. It's just that the circumstances in which things happened were of the worst kind. And I didn't handle the situation well. At all. In fact, I was an outright bitch and a nightmare, blaming him for the whole situation and calling him up at late hours of the night crying and asking him what I should do about the guilt, that in this kiss had caused. Not my smartest idea.
Recently, someone told me that he may still have feelings for me. I won't give myself the credit of thinking such a thing. He couldn't like me at all, after the way that I had treated him. I don't want him to think that I'm concieted enough to believe that he still has feelings for me, when the feelings were never really clear in the first place.
But you know what the really, honest to goodness sad thing about this is? He knew me. He knew me better than I knew myself. Of course, other people (such as Cody) know me just as well, if not better. But he knew about the situation with my parents without my having to say anything. He knew about my father. And he was the only person that's ever offered me refuge. He'd once called me at midnight, just to offer to put a deadbolt in on my bedroom door so I could have some privacy. And he was the one that I knew I could call if I were in trouble without having any questions asked. He was the one that I could call during the middle of the night when I'm depressed and crying, and have me laughing in no time. I don't know if anyone else would do such a thing for me. I mean, yeah, I could call up Cody but I'd feel bad about it. I'd feel guilty for calling in the middle of the night. And as for my friends-- I don't feel comfortable enough around anyone to call like that. I don't think I have that strong of a friendship with anyone to do that. And for those I am close enough to, I'm not sure would truly understand. I miss our friendship like that. The thing that makes me feel bad about it all is this-- I've never had any feelings for him. None other than friendship.
It's good that he has a dland. He needs an outlet.
theparisian at 7:29 p.m.