Monday, Oct. 11, 2004
The one where Anna explains all
Hello out there in the Land of Oz! I’m back, for the time being, and with a vengeance like never before. Life is a little complicated at the moment, and I feel compelled to explain things to everyone out there. On Tuesday, September 28, my parents filed for a divorce. I, of course, had stumbled upon this tiny bit of information with shock, awe, and the feeling that it was about damned time for this to happen. As long as I can remember, my parents have been up in arms when it came to each other. This was supposed to be the relief that had finally come to save me, no?
But alas! No! It wasn’t meant to be, however. When I say that my parents filed for divorce, I mean that my mom left my dad. Little did I expect there to be any more drama than that. I expected this nice, clean little break. All the details of custody, housing, finances, everything had already been arranged. But with these things, there’s also the little known (okay, so it’s widely known, so sue me, I’m still in shock!) fact that these things never go cleanly. My father, the great bambino of thickness, refuses to acknowledge such a thing as this divorce!! He claims that no such divorce plans have been made, and that he and my mother are just separated until he can prove that he is no longer the verbally abusive man he is today, but rather the nice, sweet, kindhearted soul that my mother married. Pah! It’s almost hilarious, yet sad all at once-the saddest thing I’ve ever seen! Mom will come home to grab some clothes, and he will be trying to wait on her hand and foot. I’d come home to grab something and work on homework, and he’s gruff with me, but the moment my mother walks into the room, watch out!! He’s the sweetest most kindhearted man that’s ever walked the planet.
And when she leaves it’s the saddest. I’ve never seen anything so sad and lonely in my life. That’s when I stop and think when I’m with Dad. I stop from this whirlwind of action, and want to cry. I do cry. This man, so sad, happens to be my father. I can’t believe it. I’ve never even seen him sad at all. All of this at once is just overwhelming. I’m not quite sure how I’m dealing, but somehow I am. I believe. Maybe I’m not dealing. Maybe I’m just in this state of denial- but I cannot possibly be! I acknowledge the situation and the gravity of it! I acknowledge just how serious everything is, and that no one’s really going to be happy for a very long time. But maybe one day it will hit me- it’ll just hit me. And I’ll just start crying for no apparent reason, but I’ll know why.
I don’t want any pity, but I’m going to be on the outs for a while. Currently Mom and I are living at my gran’s house (in Collinsville) and there’s no computer there. No. That’s a lie. I don’t want to admit it, but I think my parents are taking pity on me. No. I KNOW they’re taking pity on me. For over a year or so, my parents have been talking about getting me my own computer this fall. Yesterday, while I was at a STUPID marching band competition, my mom went out and bought me a laptop, and bought a new desktop computer for our new home, wherever it may be. She plans on giving it to Gran as a thank-you present for housing us for such a long time (but how can she know?? The divorce papers aren’t even in yet! Dad refuses to acknowledge that there even IS a divorce yet!) and such. And the laptop is mine. And it doesn’t feel RIGHT. It feels like a bribe. It feels like it was given to me to keep me from asking questions about when we’ll have our own place, and when we’ll be able to say that it’s all over. I don’t like this at all. I don’t like that I have this shiny new computer. I don’t want this. I want my craptacular desktop at home, on which I discovered diaryland. Where I discovered writing. Where I learned to use my voice.
And we can’t afford to buy two brand-spanking new computers! We should be saving for a place to live! To pay off lawyers’ bills! To have a bit of a nest egg! To pay off debts that we have! I’m really upset about this, but not ungrateful. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, especially during this enlightening experience.
And now, I have to go and get off the computer. I have to go and take a shower, and then I will go rent a bunch of cheesy older movies like Revenge of the Nerds and The Ghost and Mr. Chicken and take them home. My home in Troy. Not this place. Gran’s house, although nice, will never be a home to me. I will sit in my pajamas, with a bowl of cereal in my lap, and watch these movies with my father, in an attempt to cheer him up. Maybe he’ll smile. And maybe he’ll laugh. Maybe we’ll both end up in each others’ arms, father and daughter, crying together. I don’t know. But I do know this- I’m going to stay the night there tonight, and tomorrow night, and the night after that until he starts work again (he has a five-day weekend for Columbus Day). Then I will return to my gran’s. Return to the 45 minute drives to school, and the rush and whirr of school, where I will try to forget everything that’s happened, during those nine hours of blissful business.
theparisian at 12:35 p.m.