Saturday, Nov. 20, 2004
rant. don't get offended. if you do get offended then what does that say about you?
I feel like a social pariah. I've been really anti-social lately because of the whole family situation, and being unable to do anything because I was living with my Gran, or because I didn't want anyone to see what a real wreck anything was.
And now, as I sit here and read other peoples's diaries for the first time in two months, and as I try to connect with people again I realize that things have changed. Not in the past two months but in general, over a long period of time. People change. People grow apart, and I fear that I have grown apart from my closest friends. I feel that all of us have grown apart.
For example, the longest conversation that I've had with Katie in about a year was five minutes long, and we were talking about magnets. But it's not just with Katie (not to call her to attention or anything), or that particular group of friends- it's everywhere. Ryan and Cory won't answer my e-mails and phone-calls, I can hardly tolerate talking to Kathy anymore. I'm afriad that Laura, Candace, and Haley find me to be the biggest annoyance of all time, and Sara I'm sure will readily admit that she doesn't give a damn what I do. I'm not trying to sound cynical, and I don't want anyone to come up crying "Anna, I love you! I don't feel that way about you!" because it's a lie!
A dirty freaking lie!
I understand that people have their moments and sometimes don't want to talk, but every day? Every day when I'm in the hall and try to talk to people, and the conversation doesn't just DIE, but you turn around and start talking to someone else whilst I'm in mid-sentence? Or I turn and say something to you in class and you IGNORE me? I wouldn't be put off it was something that happened every now and then, but this happens every day. Every day this happens to me when I'm with my friends.
And it saddens me more than you will ever know, because who else have I got to fall back on?
You know, I realized something else recently. I sat down, and I thought about it and I realized that if I ever needed to escape, or somewhere to go because of say, the family situation, that I have nowhere to go. I have no one that I am comfortable enough around to just show up at their front door. And I realized this because it's happened!
With my mom and my dad constantly putting me in the middle of their divorce, and I grab a change of clothes and storm out. It's normally later at night (think 11pm-midnight range), and I get in my car, and start the engine. I'm driving for twenty minutes when I realize that I have no where to go. There are some people that know the situation, and would understand the situation, but nobody would really help me out if I needed it. Cody would, but he's different. He's more than just a friend, and sometimes there are times when you need a friend.
I have nobody that I could call up when upset that would calm me down or make me feel better. And I have nowhere to go when I need to get away. I have no friendships where I could just show up at your front door, crying, and have someone envelope me in a hug and ask me what's wrong. Not a single soul would do a thing for me. I mean, you'd feel bad for me, and you'd try to comfort me- that's human nature. But within ten minutes you'd be thinking get the hell out of my house.
I'm tired of pretending, and I'm tired of the lies. I'm tired of having some of you pretend to be my friend when really we've fallen so far apart that we don't even know eachother anymore. I'm tired of loosing sleep, I'm tired of literally LIVING IN MY CAR some days, and I'm tired of having to act happy. I'm tired of having these coping mechanisms, which I do realize that I have, of pretending to be excited about the new house, when really I want my old house with my old bed (which is still at my Dad's but all the same) with all my old furnature. I want to walk into that house and see the giant entertainment center, and the dining room table. I want to walk through the kitchen and smell that nasty-ass meatloaf that Dad would devour everytime Mom made it. I miss the croc-pot on the kitchen counter and I'm so homesick that it makes me ill.
This whole thing has been really hard on me, obviously. And I don't want to wine, and I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, but I have to get this out there. I have to get this rant across somehow, and if not here then it will be in the hallways at school. I'd like to think that this is a nicer way of putting things. If you don't like it then don't read it, okay?
theparisian at 11:36 a.m.