Wednesday, Feb. 02, 2005
And Kayla looks at me, worried and tilts her head, "Honey, you're not over-taxing yourself again, are you?" I just shrug my shoulders. I don't know.
I'm thinking about doing something very irrational and dumb, and I don't want to do it.
And I realized something today- my parents are screwing with my head. Seriously. My mom is constantly comparing me and Cody to herself and my father. It pisses me off every time, and I've asked her to stop. But she doesn't. I don't think she realizes that she even does it. Understandably, she's going through a hard time right now, especially considering that the bitch hasn't filed for divorce yet. But critisizing my life can not and WILL NOT make her life any better. She says that she doesn't want me to turn into her.
She says that I'm turning into her.
My mother is timid and meek. Very timid, and very meek. I don't mean this in a bad way at all, it's just who she is. She is the most nonconfrontational person I've ever met and I swear to God, she will eat grass if she has to just to avoid an argument. She hasn't eaten grass yet, but I'm just waiting for the day when it happens. Just wait. I will NEVER be my mother.
I am stronger than she is, I stand up for myself when push comes to shove. And goddamnit, I will not get stuck in a relationship where there is no love whatsoever because I will never marry a man just because he takes care of me.
That's the truth of it. My mother married my father because he took care of her. She NEVER loved him, not even for a second. I would never do that. I'm not that kind of a girl, and never will be. I will never use a person like that, I will never give up on love like that.
But here she is, overweight and at the great age of 46, telling me that I'm going to get stuck. Telling me that Cody is bad for me. Telling me that I am weak. Telling me that I will do anything just to avoid making him angry, or frustrated at me. Well, fuck her!
Because I am not any of those things.
She will slyly suggest that I not call Cody- that I wait and see if he calls me. She will suggests that one day I will be married to him and waiting on the wanker hand and foot, just to avoid a fight. She waltzes around the house calling me Anna Kauhl and teasing me relentlessly. My MOTHER says that Cody is only dating me for the sex.... Which is something that she doesn't even fathom about. I don't talk to anybody about my sex life, nonetheless tell my mother wether or not I'm sexually active? How dumb do you think I am? She calls me a little slut sometimes. She berates me because of this relationship I have.
And lately, it's gotten to me. I've noticed that yes, Cody never does take me out. And yes, I call him more often than he calls me. I notice that his ears are large, his skin is poor, and his dye job is horrible. I notice that he's got peach fuzz between his eyebrows, and needs to shave. I notice that sometimes he ignores me in the hallways, and sometimes he's an ass.
And the thing is- I've never had any problems with these things until my mother started verbally berating me. Cody- and everyone who knows him can attest to this- is one fine speciman. To say that he is gorgeous would be an understatement. And the boy is paranoid about shaving and his skin and so on. PARANOID. He's a metrosexual if I've ever met one, and I'm perfectly okay with that. And a lot of times he doesn't call me because I call him first. And he's busy- he has something every night yet somehow manages to keep a 4.0 GPA. It's amazing, and I'm jealous. A lot of times when I call him, he takes it as a welcome break from his work.
I think I'm starting to notice these things-( some of which I was aware of before this all happened, and some of it, I admit are his faults. But his faults aren't entirely bad faults. He could be a crack dealer or something worse, you know) not because of natural progression of time, but because of what my mother's been saying to me.
But I'm not sure about it. I don't know if it's him, or me, or if it's what I've been told. But I do know that I'm sick of it. I'm going to stand up for myself today. I'm going to confront my mother, and then I'm going to have a long talk with Cody. Because I'm about to snap.
And I'm sorry, MOM if you're having a hard time. I'm sorry MOM that you're life sucks. I'm sorry, MOM that your boss is a slut that sleeps with the supervisor and spreads lies about you. I'm sorry that Daddy's an asswhole, I'm sorry that I'm a bitch sometimes, I'm sorry that I can't solve all of your problems. I'm sorry that you feel the need to point out all of the things in my life that are wrong so I won't turn into a lazy, obese, sad woman like you are, or seem to think that you are. I'm sorry that I don't get good enough grades for you, and I'm sorry that I'm not smart. I'm sorry that I can't keep up with the other kids, and I'm sorry that you won't let me. I'm sorry that you can't find it in your heart to go to the ATM for my lunchmoney, and I'm sorry that you cannot find the time to fill my perscriptions, or fufill promises. I'm sorry that you lie to me, and I'm sorry that I'm in love.
I'm sorry that you have never felt love in your life. I'm sorry that your father was a drunk, and your mother was a flake, and your brother was jail-bait, and your sister didn't give a fuck. I'm sorry that you missed out on the seventies, and I'm sorry that you never developed any bad habits outside of twinkies and M&M's. I'm sorry that you missed out on happiness; and God-damnit, I'm pretty damn sorry that your firstborn child died too. I'm sorry that you cared for Kaitelynn for two years, and that she never could smile up at you. I'm sorry that you had to watch her die, and have the doctors bring her back after convincing you to sign some DNR forms. I'm sorry that your still in debt from her medical bills, and I'm really sorry that I never met her.
I'm sorry that everything's gone wrong in your life, but PLEASE- just leave mine alone.
theparisian at 3:36 p.m.