Tuesday, Mar. 29, 2005
A simple choice- nothing more. This or that, either or.
Okay, so I've been avoiding updating this sucker. Kind of.
I got in a fight with Cody on Thursday afternoon. A big fight. A big fat scene-causing, hysterical crying, mascara everywhere, fuck life kind of fight. He's such a bastard sometimes, but he's my bastard, you know? Lately, he's been saying that he doesn't want to think of the future, or to quote him, "I don't like to think of things that won't happen." What bull! I don't think he realizes how much he hurts me when he says those things. Especially after three years. Three freaking years of being together.
It's funny, because we joke around about being an old married couple. And now the jokes have stopped being funny because everytime they're brought up, Cody goes positively ape-shit. He was the first one to bring up marraige, you know. I never talk about it. I think about it, but I never talk about it.
And it's so retarded! Because I don't even like to admit that I think about it! I feel like I come across as a twelve-year old girl with a crush on a boy who's picking out china patterns and the names of her future children, when it's nothing like that. Or at least I hope its not. I mean, it's perfectly natural to think and feel these things- especially after three years. Especially when in the first two-thirds of this relationship, Cody would always hold me in his arms, and whisper into my ear how much he loved me- how he wanted to marry me.
Back then, I would be the one flipping out.
I'm at a loss, because I understand that I'm seventeen, I'm not supposed to be in this situation. And I'm looking at this from a realistic point of view. I understand that things are only going to get harder before they get better. But that's okay. It's something I'm willing to work through. What I don't comprehend is how I can let myself be so hurt whenever he says "I don't want to think about what may or may not happen." in a frustrated tone. Am I that vulnerable? Am I that stupid to let myself get in this deep? Why?
Why do I feel as though I've wasted three years when he says this? Why do I feel frustrated? Why do I want to make him feel just as frustrated, when it's obvious that he's already feeling pretty shitty. Why? Why? WHY!?
Why is he growing distant from everyone, including me. Why is he sheilding himself off? Why is he being a prick to everyone? Why is he so defeatist lately? Why the negativity? Why say things that he knows will bother or hurt me? WHY? And when I talk to him about it, somehow it always turns into MY problem. It's that I apologize too much, it's to do with my mental instability. I'm the one who always has issues, I'M the one who never sees things as the seemingly perfect things they are.
And then we work things out, only to have the same fight over again.
I love him. I really do love him. I understand that he's going through a hard time- I'm there for him, whenever he wants me to be. I understand that he needs room to grow, I understand that he has issues. Who doesn't? I understand that he's still closer to me than anyone else. Still nicer to me than anyone else.
But what I need to know is, am I expecting too much?
Am I crazy?
Delusional?
Insane?
Misguided?
How can I better be there for him, and how can I be at peace with myself and our relationship, if he can't consider "the future" when by the future I mean tomorrow- next week- next month- next year, not necessarily marraige and three kids! And he KNOWS that this is what I mean. If I cannot get a boy to commit one day out of his spring break to me, then how can I expect a commitment out of life? How can I expect something serious, and how can I expect the worst when I feel at rock-bottom already? I want to work through this with him, but I don't understand what it is that I can say and do to not call attention to the obvious.
How can one be subtle when it takes more than fifty bricks over the head just to look my way?
Yesterday I talked to Cody about everything that was bothering me. We were down in my basement, and he accused me of ruining a perfectly good evening. I told him he was driving me crazy with his inability to commit to something so simple as prom- nonetheless anything else. I told him how bothered I was about it, when after three years it's something that I'm bound to be thinking of. How he refused to talk about it- even joke about it like we used to. I cried a lot, and he just kept asking me to stop crying, and wiped away my tears, kissing me. He could see just how upset I was over everything, and still he did nothing but defend himself in heartless stupid ways. "I don't want to make you any false promises." "I don't want to lie to you." "I don't want to see you hurt." But can't you see that I am hurt? Can't you see that I'm miserable while you're running around being a petulant bitch- making your movie, playing in your band, not even leaving enough time open for yourself, nonetheless little old me?
Can't you see that I cleared my entire fucking spring break up for you and your stupid movie just because you asked me to? Because I knew that it would be important to you, and I know that if really pressed to, you would do the same thing for me.
He eventually broke down. I don't know if it's because I wore him down, or I made him see my point, or he was sick of my crying. Cody told me that he does think about our future- that I'm the reason why he wears his class ring on his wedding finger (news to me, I assure you, because I just thought it was some boy-thing he was doing, or something. I don't know. connection never made), and that I'm the only person he ever wants to be with. He told me he wanted us to be old farts together in a home someday, sharing a common valium drip and love for Murder She Wrote or whatever old-fart show is popular then. He said he wanted to marry me, but he never wanted to promise me anything that he couldn't be 100% sure of.
Tonight, he told me he wasn't just saying anything yesterday. He held me in his arms tightly against him, and whispered in my ear how much he wanted to marry me, just like he did the first time he'd said it to me.
But why do I feel like he's just telling me this to make me happy? Why can't I accept this at face value? Maybe at heart I know that I'm expecting too much out of him and our relationship?
Am I?
theparisian at 1:25 a.m.