Friday, Jun. 17, 2005
How to be Me
I think I'm going to be a hermit for a little while- for the rest of the summer.
I need to learn how to be me. I'm afraid that in the past year, I've lost myself and my entire life has been played out while I've just sat up in my bed completely numb. My brain has been numb for a long time now, and I need time to think. I scare myself lately with just the amount of self-loathing, with the fact that I feel more homeless than the junkie who lives on the street, with the fact that I consider myself to have no family at all- just people who call themselves my parents. The fact that I push for people to care and show concern, making it obvious and getting hurt when they don't. I shouldn't be looking for a handout, for kindness. And I haven't, really.
I want to look at myself in the mirror and recognize myself without makeup on (which I don't), and I want to go a day- just one full day without crying.
I sound selfish, and self pitying. Maybe I am. I'm quite frankly beyond caring anymore.
And these are my goals for the summer:
- To learn to be me
- To read something that is not a self-help book or meaningless romance novel.
- To exercise
- To become less dependent on heavy amounts of Xanex, IBProffin, Tylenol PM, No-Doz, caffiene, coffee, etc.
- To figure out my relationship with Cody, and fully come to terms with the fact that I may love The-Boy-Who-Is-Incapable-Of-Loving-Me-Back. And if that is the case, then to do something about it.
- Or at least stop being convinced that people will die if I take off his damn necklace.
- To come to terms with the terms of my parents's "trial seperation"
- To not hate my parents.
- To find a home not just a place where I choose to occupy my time.
- To write. Even if it is bad poetry.
- To figure out who is my friend and who is not, and to stop holding on to the idea that some people are my friends, when they are not. Friends will at least have the courtesy to return my phone calls after three straight weeks of trying to get a hold of them. Friends will not ignore me. Friends will not leave dog shit on my front porch. Friends will not only conveniently remember that I am their friend when they need something, or somewhere to go on prom night.
- To not whine, complain, bitch, or ignore people.
- To be a better friend, daughter, girlfriend, etc.
- To go to therapy every week and group therapy twice a week as recommended by everyone on the fucking planet, and actually listen to what they tell me.
- To not use my shortcomings as an excuse.
theparisian at 7:18 a.m.